ScoopGods.com - Jambalaya Smith is known as the hero of the adult wiffle ball league in Campton, Iowa and has reached legendary status across the county.  He is the special sort of athlete that can dazzle opponents and spectators alike with feats of glory.  This particular night was no exception.

Wiffle Ball is an exciting sport"I sat behind him on the bus one day," said fan Rosie Green, "I looked at the back of his head for a good hour and never got bored."

On this night gamesmanship was at a fever pitch.  Popcorn flew from the stands and slowly floated down into deliriously happy children's mouths as if in a dream.  Pita bread was laid out flat and sprinkled with raisins.  An old man took out his teeth and bit the high school principle's earlobe.  A pasta bar opened up and served pasta to the town milkman, the milkman served milk to the butcher, the butcher gave the gregariously sly baker a slab of prime rib, and the baker gave the disappointed pasta bar owner a paper bag filled with dog turds.

"That Jambalaya Smith can sure smack that ball," exclaimed Dweezil Camby, "But tonight he's playing like me when I'm trying to eat my special walnut and watermelon-rind dessert with a spork."

It was true.  On this day Jambalaya looked like a mere mortal in the wiffle ball world.  He was 0 for 4, had committed 3 errors, and exuded a smell of such rankness that it conjured images of steamy moments inside a well dressed chimps underwear on a hot day.

The Austere Statue"We're going to lose," said a sad little clown who sat whimpering at the end of the bench.  But then he soon spied a sprightly little chipmunk smiling at him from afar.  After spending a life changing hour frolicking amongst the dandelions with his new friend, the clown returned and showed Jambalaya an austere statue.

"That statue spoke to me," said Jambalaya, "He is a very old and wise statue and his advice was truly divine.

The advice was for Jambalaya to remove the sweater he was wearing.  It had been laid out for him by his ample maid who always enjoys picking out his clothes on the days when she can't stop chortling about Ronald Reagan's secret circus wanderings.

"Ohh boy, you could see the steam fly out when he took that sweater off," said a large jiggly woman.

A hot, steamy sweater"The sweater was making him too hot," stated the happy little clown who still held the statue, "With it he was literally moving in slow motion."

After removing the sweater Jambalaya Smith delighted the crowd by breaking a 3-3 tie in the bottom of the ninth.  He smacked the wiffle ball so hard that it flew into a plastic picnic basket which was supplying lunch for a feisty family of frowners, causing them to smile.

"That Jambalaya Smith is a hero," said the principle whose earlobe was swollen and red, "Once again he saved the day."

Some people think Al Davis is a clown.  Well maybe he is, but if this is so then he is a very sad old shell of the clown he may have once been.  His body is decaying, his mind is rotting away, and the stench of his breath is horrendous due to an unspeakable array of "old guy" gum diseases and fungi.

Davis continues to run the Oakland Raiders football organization as if he were an old senile man, when in truth he is a perhaps not a man anymore since any gender specific parts he may have once had are surely nonfunctional.  So we could say that he is more of an old and senile animation of bones, hair gel, and maybe a trace of Lawrence Welk's genetic matter.

"I'm no spring chicken anymore," said Davis, "But I'm not letting anyone else get their hands on myDavis's jar will keep him alive forever team.  If they try I will torture them in my basement by using strategically placed mirrors to display my naked poses to them."

After this admission Davis proceeded to crap in his pants.  A jaunty little house nurse, named Suzie, quickly arrived on the scene to change his diaper.  Suzie looks after Al day and night and helps take care of his complex physical needs due to his advanced age.

"Yeah, Mister Davis is old," said Suzie, "But he sure has a nice wardrobe of vintage clothing."

After changing Davis's diaper Suzie, unwittingly ended up with a brown smudge across her forehead.  We tried to give her hints of its presence by looking up at our own foreheads, or dragging our fingers across our brow, but she continued to prattle on about the fine linings his adult diapers have and of the remote village that weaves them out of exotic fibers and medicinal herbs.

She continued to speak to us about Al Davis and went on in great detail about the dildos he keeps taped to the inside of his Raiders jacket.  He apparently uses the dildos to strike fear into people and bend their will to his demands on draft day.  According to some sources he put a dildo in each side of his mouth and charged at the head of his college scouting team, like a pit bull, in order to convince him that it was a good idea to draft Darius Heyward-Bey with the 7th overall pick.

But despite such acrobatic feats, Davis has become very aware of his declining physical state.  He has reportedly constructed a jar filled with nourishing chemicals that will hold his detached head in a special innovative stasis.  The liquid, which is fed ionic energy through a complex wiring system, is such that it would keep his brain working indefinitely.  This way he can remain in charge of the Raiders as the prime decision maker.  He would rule from the jar like a king, or perhaps somewhat like a genie from a magic lamp.

"Yeah soon my heads a-going in the jar," sputtered Davis from his favorite black chair, "but I have to have safeguards in place.  I'm going to need an offensive line to protect me.  And I still want to be able to have some Dairy Queen."

It was 20 years ago at the zoo when Bill Belicheck had an unfortunate run in with an old elephant named Randolph.  It was a sunny day, a perfect zoo day, and Belicheck was walking down a side path in order to avoid the main crowded zoo walk ways.  The path ended in a dead end forcing him to enter an unmarked building to try and continue his goal of getting to the parking lot.

"The lighting was very dim in there.  I smelt something pungent that at first I'd mistaken for buffalo wings.  Then I felt something start to reach under my shirt," recalls Belicheck.Randolph the Elephant

What he felt was Randolph circumventing his clothing in order to give him a belly rub with his massive trunk.  Belicheck tried to turn and get out, but the door was locked from the outside.  The large elephant began to take liberties with the coach's body parts.  As he recounts the incident, a grim look of terror grips Belicheck's weathered features.

"Before I knew it all I was wearing was an undershirt and all I could feel was rough stubbly skin scratching me harder and harder," says Belicheck.

After a few hours Belicheck managed to escape the small building and run into the brush surrounding the zoo area.  A group of Star Trek enthusiasts found him curled in a little ball wearing only the slobber covered undershirt.  They assumed that he was some form of interplanetary life and did nothing but put a pair of 'Spock' ears on him and leave a note containing good tidings from the planet earth taped to his back, hoping that the message would survive transport.

Since the incident Belicheck has been treading carefully as he goes about his job and day to day activities.  He has not visited a zoo since.  There's always a fear that Randolph will emerge from a hidden location for another round of friskiness.  A common occurrence is having an episode when seeing an elephant on television or in a movie.  Someone remembers seeing Belicheck freak out in a movie theatre while watching "Operation Dumbo Drop."  Belicheck reportedly put a tub of popcorn over his head and lost total bladder control.  Apparently some members of his coaching staff were playing a little prank on him.

"They told me it was a movie about a group of swimsuit models stranded on a pacific island," remembers Belicheck, "and they said there was nudity."