ScoopGods.com - In a poetical sense, one could say the Martin Banderlove is a creature from the past.  His long and winding prose can lift the spirit and free the mind.  It's been said that he can walk into a Monday morning classroom of droopy students and leave them cascading through wild tunnels of joy and smiling like idiots.  It's a gift that he uses freely to enhance the soul and deepen humanity's awe of the magical living experience.

Banderlove is a highly regarded poetBanderlove lives in a small little house near a Bohemian enclave of Boise, Idaho.  Many of his neighbors speak highly of him and consider him the pseudo celebrity on their side of town.  As Banderlove goes for early morning walks, many gaze at him out of their window and cherish his every footstep.

"I'd say he's a tenderloin," says long time neighbor Ralph Chair.

One particular neighbor, Art Chiffon, is not so smitten with this neighborly beacon of grandness and has taken it upon himself to use Banderlove's very image in some of his newest movie shorts that he produces for a private theater house down the block.

A recent film uses a claymation figure of Banderlove as the central character.  In the movie he is in love with his weekly garbage collector and waits with baited breath for each of his trash collecting visits.  On the third such visit the two are overcome by passion and take a little "roll in the garbage pile."  Banderlove is shown naked with soggy Wheaties stuck to his back and a half eaten caramel apple dangling from his scrotum.  The apple eventually gets eaten.

"I'm all for the arts," says Banderlove, "But I think this film just was in poor taste.  I mean do you really think I'd have 'Micro-penis' tattooed on my lower stomach with an arrow pointing down?"

The clay image of Banderlove has attracted attentionIn retaliation Banderlove has written a poem about Chiffon in which he sits at a coffee shop and eats potatoes.  In typical witty fashion Chiffon is portrayed as lazy, snobbish, and banal.  But despite the high effort by Banderlove to land a decisive blow, the poem did not make much of an impact.

"This man must be stopped," says Banderlove, "Doesn't he realize what this is doing to the neighborhood?"

This squabble promises to continue into the next theater season.  So far Chiffon appears to be getting the better of Banderlove.

"Does it really seem possible that I'd play with myself at the grocery store?" said Banderlove angrily.

ScoopGods.com - Inspiration can come at the most unlikely of times. Just ask world renown clay artist Winthrop Langerfield, who went to bed one evening in a despondent mood due to his inability to come up with any new material. He had been working diligently to produce some new pieces for an upcoming show of his, but sadly had been coming up dry.

Winthrop Langerfield awoke with a vision"I was trying so hard to produce," said Langerfield, "I would try and try, till I was angry. Then I would be too angry to try."

Winthrop awoke from a dream, dripping with sweat. The sweat was a sweaty sweat that made him feel hot and sweaty. He quickly grabbed his robe in order to get up and get what he had in his head onto paper. Briskly, he moved into his art studio and got to work.

"I was dreaming that I was at a Doug Henning show live," said Langerfield, "He was creating this illusion that had to do with him peeing while sitting down, but yet at the same time making fun of these men who were wearing dresses. In mid-illusion the setting changed and Doug and I were in a parade together. Leading the parade was this amazingly charismatic egg. Everyone loved him. When the egg turned around to look at me, my whole field of vision turned into a snapshot of him."

Langerfield's inspired workLangerfield worked through the night in order to capture this amazing image onto canvas. As he worked, he munched on crackers. The crackers were very dry and salty, maybe too dry and salty. The only time he paused from his work was to get up and grab some water to counteract the saltiness.

"The saltiness was a challenge," said Langerfield.

When morning rolled around Winthrop Langerfield stood awestruck in front of his newest creation. He gazed at it for much of the early morning hours before picking up his phone and calling his agent.

"I know when Winthrop calls me in the morning that he has something good for me," said Agent Don Million, "We arranged to meet for some coffee and discussion."

Langerfield's secret entranceLangerfield emerged from his secret art den that is hidden away underneath a grocery store. The only entrance to this magical place is through the lower shelf of a food aisle. The door itself is obscured behind boxes of a very poor selling brand of cereal.

"I know Winthrop and I know that when he has that look he has something good," said Million, "He didn't even have to tell me. I was on the phone right away to request a rearrangement of the show's current layout in order to make room for a new central masterpiece."

"I've had many challenges in my life, but I always say that when they glazed me in the kiln, they put a little piece of God in my ceramics," said Langerfield, "I am God, or at the very least 'God-like,' I say"

The horrible relationship that Little Miss Muffet has had with the The Spider is a story that's been played and played.  The miscalculation of the spider, his bravado, lack of tact, and all around absence of forethought contributed to their disastrous initial meeting.  But after some therapy and sensitivity training, ole Mr. Spider has made some positive moves toward getting him and Miss Muffet's relationship kicked into a new gear.

"I certainly have been thinking about her.  I couldn't stop thinking over all the 'what ifs' in regards to our first meeting," said The Spider.

Miss MuffetMiss Muffet has been impressed with the spider's ability to take ownership of his personality issues.  She noticed the change right away when she ran into him at the hardware store.  They bumped into each other in the lawn section where The Spider was buying a rake and Miss Muffet a new spout for her watering can.

"He asked me how my mother was which really impressed me. I was expecting to hear him talk about himself or Star Trek episodes or the usual stuff guys babble about.  He reached out to me in a warm, genuine way," said Miss Muffet.

The Spider invited Miss Muffet for a walk along the lake so that they could talk and get to know each other in an easy, non-pressurized situation.  The date seemed to go well according to the spider.

"Is was pretty quiet for the first 5 minutes but once the conversation got rolling she reached out and touched my arm.  Is that a signal or what?  I'm telling ya,  I'm gettin some of that tuffet for sure," said The Spider.

The Spider was happy to get a 2nd dateThe second date was a romantic little picnic on the country side.  It was agreed that Miss Muffet would pack the lunch while The Spider would bring the blanket and whatever else he felt they needed.  He brought a binoculars, some magazines and a boom box with which he seemed to strike gold by switching on Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Whey" while Miss Muffet was eating the said food of choice.

"I got her in the mood, then we moved the date back to her place," said The Spider.

Miss Muffet was later asked how things went back at her place, but she was hesitant to add any details on the event.  However, she did say that she had a lovely time and would go out with Mr. Spider again.

"But you know how men are, especially spiders, with their hands all over the place," said Miss Muffet.

ScoopGods.com - The avant garde musical group Ween is planning to run for what could be a ground breaking two headed governorship in the state of Pennsylvania.  Head band members Gener and Deaner plan to take the seat jointly.  The campaign has been meticulously put together by the ever talented Larry Buttermen.  Buttermen has laid out a multi-stage plan that will almost ensure the band a shot at governor of the state and I had the pleasure to meet up with him.

Ween will run for governor"We will be victorious," says Buttermen as he fiddled with a tiny statue of himself.  Larry Buttermen is a short man of about 4 feet.  His talents include imitating bowls of soup, hypnotizing wimpy winos, borrowing bars of soap, and small talk.  He can also play the bass guitar in a pinch.

"The landscape is just right, the stars are aligned, the coffers are full, the beetles are buzzing...," continued Buttermen.

Gener jumped out from behind the coat rack and scared me with an exaggerated grin.  I blinked twice, looked at him, and noticed that he was strangely covered from head to toe in a shiny oily substance.  As I stood there, looking at him dumbly, Deaner emerged from the closet eating a box of Raisenettes.  Larry leapt up and grasped for the Raisinettes while Deaner held them high above his head.

"Give me those," grunted Buttermen, "you promised that you'd share."

Deaner lowered the box down and gave them to his disgruntled campaign manager.  Then he sat down and picked up a guitar.  As he hit different cords, Buttermen's face contorted into different expressions, as if his face and the guitar were wired together.  When Deaner hit a loud A cord Buttermen's mouth opened painfully wide.

Behind them, high on the wall, was a banner that read "Vote for Gener, he's bristling in oil, and Deaner's always eating Raisinettes."  There was a picture of the two of them smiling and holding a sack of potatoes.  Gener looked especially oily in this photo.

"The reason I've become oily is that I've been using this maximum health sleeping pod," Gener told me, "It's a giant Maxi-Pad shaped cushion covered in vitamin enriched oil.  I'm actually doing a lot of healthy things these days.  I now order french fries steamed instead of fried."

King Oscar to attend campaign rally"We think that we have King Oscar himself for an endorsment," said Buttermen suddenly, "He is promising to make an appearance at tomorrow's campaign rally."

"It's not fair," raged Deaner, "I believe myself to be the more bristling of the two of us when equally covered in oil.  Gener should be the Raisinette guy."

"Now Deaner," said Buttermen while waving his hand in a soothing manner, "You seem to like Raisinettes better, and Gener chews with his mouth open."

I had become sleepy while sitting on the couch due to Buttermen's soothing hand gestures, but was quickly awakened by Gener when he blew sugar dust from a pixie stick in my face.  I looked over at Deaner and saw that he was staring into space while holding a box of Bisquick.

"Do you really think that you're more bristling," Gener asked Deaner.

"Yes I do," replied Deaner.

"All right, then you can be the bristling one, give me the Raisinettes," said Gener with hungry giddiness.

So with that resolved I wished them luck on the governor's race and headed out into the bright sunny afternoon, more optimistic about the future than ever.  As I crossed the street I saw a billboard with a picture of Gener smiling down at the city that simply read "Bristling."  I felt so happy that I stopped and saluted.

ScoopGods.com - Law enforcement in a small Midwestern town has been flummoxed by a man who constantly drives over the speed limit, but yet can never be ticketed.  The authorities are baffled by the ability of this man to repeatedly leave the scene scott-free after being pulled over.  Officers have convened on this issue, but despite their best attempts, nothing seems to work.  The man continues to drive everywhere as fast as he chooses without ever having a mark on his driving record.

Man goes over 100mph"I had him dead to rights, 20 over the posted," recalls State Trooper Henry Sledge, "But then this fellow handed me a ladle filled with jelly beans.  I was about to tell 'em that this was a bunch of hogwash but then he told me that the jelly beans were made by Oprah.  The next thing I knew I was sittin in my car eaten 'em while thinking about boobs."

"He didn't look like anything special," said Officer Randy Rasmussen, "I knew I could take him no problem.  But right before I put pen to paper he starting humming the theme to that show "The Love Boat."  I drifted off into a daydream about Captain Stubing and how cool it was when he lent Gopher all that money.  And what can you say about Doc.  He was always getting action."Sheriff Shirley McClellan

Sheriff John McClellan himself had the man pulled over on the side of the road.  As McClellan was quickly trying to get out his pad of tickets, he was treated to a compelling mime performance, by the man, of president Obama bear hunting in Saskatchewan.  The brilliant piece somehow convinced the Sheriff to have his first name legally changed to 'Shirley.'

"I'm not the weepy type, but that bear hunting bit brings tears to my eyes whenever I remember it," said Shirley.

The man has brought the law enforcement in the area to it's knees.  No one has anymore answers.

"I pulled him over, but he reached out his window and handed me a free ticket to the Home and Garden show at the Baptist church," explained Deputy Bob Pridemore.

Pridemore found himself in a crowd of elderly woman talking about tomato plants, banana bread recipes, and antique dolls.  He wound up getting connected to a sewing circle and, despite his status as a beginner, created a spectacular quilt that has won some awards on the quilt competition circuit.

The man remains at large, but efforts to ticket him have continued to be futile.

"I just wish he'd just speed on outta' here," said McClellan.