ScoopGods.com -  When Barack Obama became president, he faced a list of issues that exceeded the personal problems of a gay homeless teenager.   There were two wars, an economy that was resembling the depression of the 20's, a health care system that has been screwing the American's pooch for years, Detroit's auto companies were all going bust and the housing industry was tanking.  Most would think a list like that cannot be topped.

But today, Obama held an impromptu and shocking press conference to inform all of us that the nation's most threatening problem is that of line-budging.  

"Let the people of America be warned," stated the President. "If we do not curtail this problem, it will put our country into a downward spiral.  A fall from Grace.  The country will descend into the ranks of the third world.  You, your children, your parents, all of them will be put into dire situations.  Your mom will probably become a whore.  Your dad will kidnap children and sell them for soup.  You will probably do anything, like maybe you'll find yourself romancing a horse on the Internet, just so you can feed your family. It WILL be fucked up, if we do not stop this line-budging problem."

Line-budging occurs when a group of fairly organized strangers are waiting in the form of a line for something like chili or customer service and suddenly, another stranger approaches the line and inserts himself into a favorable position, such as the front.  Such a move typically causes immediate anguish and unbeknownst to many, deep psychological problems are embedded into the victim of the budge.

Studies rushed to Obama's bedside for late-night reading indicated that the line-budging's deep-seated damage essentially leads to Americans who become depressed, fat and incapable of thinking beyond the level of a 2nd grader.  The study stated that as the budging continues, the amount of affected Americans grows.  

A line of people waiting for free spoons is a perfect target for a line-budger"We must find away for the leaders of our restaurants, government offices, funeral homes and so on to be vigilant in protecting the people partaking in that American token of line-standing."

Obama has introduced a plan that calls for the funding of grants to build walled waiting areas and also introduced a plan that would provide net-throwing guns to most establishments to be used on line-budgers.

"These net-throwing guns are crucial in the capturing of line-budgers," continued Obama.  "In fact I tested it out on Michelle and it brought her down immediately.  There's nothing funnier than a black woman in a net. Oh, the guys and I laughed our asses off.  But, seriously, with these deterrents, line budging can be stopped.

Obama's administration also provided a quick self-diagnosis chart for people who want to check to see if they have been inflicted by line-budging.  Unfortunately, as our graphics guy was working on it, he read the information and learned that he was suffering from the ailment.  He's gone home and apparently he hasn't gotten off his couch for 4 hours.  If you'd like to see the chart, we have posted one in our lobby and currently, the line is about 40 people long, so please give yourself some extra time.  God-forbid, if were to have a haircut scheduled at 3 PM and you came down here at 2:30 PM, there's a chance that you will be late to your appointment due to the line.  And we would feel just horrible, like we messed up your day.  Oh, the tragedy of it all!