ScoopGods.com - We have learned today that China wants nearly 20 million of our American children as pets. The bold request comes after several Chinese economists determined that China's economic growth in conjunction with the country's massive amount of ownership in US treasury bonds has created an "under water" position for the United States.

"The USA is no longer calling the world's shots," said Hi Jintao, China's leader.  "We virtually own the whole damn country. But, we'll take all debts off the books for 20 million, healthy American children."

In an impromptu phone call made to President Obama, China's leader, Hu Jintao, explained that his countryAmerican children better get used to this. was now the world's super power and if Obama ever wanted to see his country survive, he should start organizing the roundup of American boys and girls between the ages of 3 and 11.  

China has the world's largest population and because of that, a limit on the number of children a couple can have was limited to just one many years ago by the central government.  This has created a lack of in-home playmates for most Chinese children.  

The Chinese government's solution of bringing in American children as pets has many western nations feeling a bit worried, but most are ok as long as China sticks to Americans.

"Oh, most American children are pieces of shit," said British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. "They think the earth revolves around them and their telly."

President Obama has publicly blasted the Chinese proposal, but behind closed doors, many White House insiders say that the President knows he has to take the deal and he's ok with seeing most of his close friends' children being sent away to China as pets.  

"It's no secret within the President's circle that he does not like most of his friends' children," said Washington Post reporter, Tim Craig.  "Apparently, his nuts have been the target of many small fists, plastic bats and wild pitches and he's tired of the parents laughing as if it's funny.  He thinks most of his friends are crappy parents."

Not surprisingly, many American children are very open to the idea of being pets.  

"My mommy won't let me be a doggy," said adorable little 5-year-old Cindy Lawrence of St. Paul, Minnesota. "But China will let me be a doggy all the time.  I want to go to China tomorrow."

The president has called a press conference for later this week to address this situation.  

ScoopGods.com - Authorities in southern Arkansas are calling the odd rescue of a stranded sheep a lyrical miracle. The sheep, a 145 pound, soft, tender and caring bundle of beauty to many in the area, became stranded on a rock in the middle of a raging river after unseasonal storms ravished the area last night, dropping nearly 9 inches of rain in just 4 hours.  

Percy the Sheep Escort Awaits RescueThe sheep, named Percy by her owner, typically spends her days grazing on the lush fields of Jack Norman's farm and her nights as a loving escort dedicated to helping lonely, widowed men make it through long nights. 

When word got out that Percy was stranded, hundreds of men rushed to the river's edge to save her, only to find that the situation was much too dangerous and that rescue teams would have to be called in to help.  That's when the insanity began.

After arriving at the scene, the county's disaster rescue squad determined that they, too, would not be able to save Percy.  

"Normally, we'll take risks if it's to save a human life," declared Sergeant Ben Almer. "But we will not risk human life to save a sheep's life.  And I guess that wasn't the right thing to say to this group of men."

Almost instantly, the crowd went crazy as if they were possessed by a devilish hornets.   Four disaster staffWhen rescuers turned their back on Percy, sheep-loving supporters launched a shit-storm  workers were beaten to the point of irreversible ugliness.   Another was pummeled and dressed as a black sheep and then sodomized three times by a man void of teeth and fresh smells.  

"How come we don't think these sheep aren't peoples too," said local condom dispenser refill specialist, Bart Tokken. "Percy has helped me feel lovin and she licks perty damn good.  Aint no human woman dun that for me since I got these puss-filled soars on my bottom."

For nearly three hours, the rioting continued and just as it reached a peak of gory violence, we went to lunch.  

Apparently, by the time we returned, both camps had called a truce, but the crowds had doubled and the tensions were increasing to the point that everyone knew that the bloodshed was not over.

New Deity Appears And Provides a Lyrical MiricleWithout notice, the rainy clouds parted and a mythical being descended form the skys above riding a fluffy cloud down to within 7 feet of the crowd.  

Many in the crowd gasped the word Jesus, but as our team zoomed in on the character, we knew that a new deity was upon us.

There before our eyes was a man dressed as a prisoner.  He was upon a cloud that had two walls behind him, which looked much like a stage set.  The walls were regular, normal-looking walls with photo's of people embracing one another in friendship.

He floated on his puffy stage for nearly six minutes.  His eyes were closed and we could hear only a soft humming.

"I am here to save the sheep," came a booming voice. "She deserves my song of safeness."

Despite it being 2 PM, everything darkened and a spotlight settled on the saving spirit from above and he broke out into song.  The lyrics were undecipherable, yet beautiful.  

Without delay, another spotlight from above targeted Percy's body and she began to float as if she were actually a cloud. Her soft, soft exterior shimmered as she levitated across the troubling waters.  

The crowd was elated and by this time, Percy's owner, Mr. Norman, had already begun taking payments from the sheep's most devoted clients.  As she came to the river's edge, several of of the men were already naked, ready to embrace their loved creature.

Percy landed in the arms of the ecstatic group and just like that, the lyrical miracle was complete and the singing savior was gone.

ScoopGods.com -  Cornwallis O'Sticklet has been "dating" prostitutes as far back as he can remember.  He has always preferred the women of the night to the conventional female because he finds their skills and attention to detail to be superior.   But as he's grown older, he's found it much more difficult to get the hookers he so desires and he also states that the process has grown stale.  But as we see so many times, crude human behavior inspires some of the world's most amazing inventions.  And O'Sticklet's "FishFoHooker" is changing the game of prostitution.  

Ms. Spankass shows off the FishFoHooker"I needed a better way to reel them in," explained O'Sticklet as he inserted various objects into Kentranka Star.  "I was always seeing them across the street... the ones I wanted.  And it was taking so long to get them to come to my car.  All my old techniques was boring me too.  So I invented a contraption that is lots of fun and very effective."

TheFishFoHooker hit stores last Thursday.  The device is much like a fishing pole, but it contains a patented hook that can be thrown at a prostitute and 9 times out of 10, it will land in the mouth of the target and immediately secure her for a future rendezvous.  

The hook end is ingeniously shaped like a stomach pump and it does the job of one too.  Because of the design, O'Sticklet states that most prostitutes are aware of what a stomach pump looks like and most desire the use of one a majority of the time.

"Wells. Them stomach pumps is good for one thing, getting the goo out my tummy, but it's been so much money until now," said raunchy prostitute Carinthia Slapass as she ate a tossed salad.  "The Fishhooker makes my tummy feel good."

But all is not well in Minneapolis, where the invention first hit the market.  Many groups are protesting the launch and determined to stop the sale of FishFoHookers. 

Leading the charge is an electrifying group of tai quan do masters trained by a mutant squirrel.  The NutSir Bushy heads a group dedicated to ridding the world of prostitution Crunchers For Beautiful Women Who Have Gone Astray Due To Conditions That Became Tough For Them After Their Husbands Had Left Them For Hotter Chicks recently held a demonstration and protest outside of a Target.

"Our goal is to bring the issue of prostitution to the forefront and to block the sale of items aimed at enhancing the use of prostitution," declared the groups leader, Sir Bushy. "A woman's body is my business and my group is determined to rid prostitution from the world."

The group had several superbly-trained experts showing violent moves that the group intends to use on anyone who purchases a FishFoHooker.  Fortunately, for the crowd who gathered, the group encountered their first FishFoHooker customer exiting the store with quite a pep in his step.

Protester, Doug Noreen, kicks a FishFoHooker customer's ass.The top fighter approached the man and introduced a world of hurt.  As the beating ensued, several of the bystanders began cheering wildly.

"We love to see an ass kicked," stated one bystander.

"Physically watching another human's face being beat to a sausage-like look is amazing," stated another.  

When asked what they thought about the FishFoHooker and prostitution, both stated that neither was a big deal.  

The product's creator finds all of the anger based on his product to be quite entertaining.

"It only adds to my exploits with my hookers," stated O'Sticklet. "It has actually awaken my labido.  Knowing that people might hurt me because of the FishFoHooker makes my parts tingle with teen-like drive.  In fact, the protesters have made sales 50% higher than we projected. I'm getting a fivesome tonight!"