ScoopGods.com - Many of you have heard that Apple has a big announcement next week.  And as we all know, Apple is very secretive on any new product release, so this makes it very important that we do the investigative work for you, because you are probably a lazy ass who can't concentrate on anything unless it's a video game. 

So, here's what we have discovered as the top possible new products or announcements for Apple to make:

MacPoGo Stick - As you know, the Segway was to be the next big thing in transportation and it was a dud.  Insiders tell us that they think a team of Apple engineers has been working on an innovative bouncing contraption that will not only provide a mode of green travel, but it will also provide a lot of fun.  If it ships, we will be getting our receptionist one... she's got goods!

I Mac. You Nice.  - This is an interesting product.  It's a headset-like contraption for slow people to wear that instantaneously records what they say and then converts it into a well-crafted, intelligent sentence in the voice of Gene Hackman.  So a slow person says, "I Mac. What youw name?" The result, "Well hello there. My name is Mac.  Could I be granted the pleasure of learning your name?"

MacWhack - Apple's research revealed that 40% of the time, a Macintosh computer is used to look at porn.  This new product is a keyboard in the shape of a tube.  On the outside of the tube, keys for typing.  On the inside?  Reports say Apple has mastered the feel of Lindsey Lohan's hands.  Users can just insert their you know what and keep on redditing for NSFW postings.  And we hear this is wireless!

Scoop Proof! - Steve Jobs is looking younger thanks to the iKidney. And the iI has to be real, check out the screen. Lastly, his mustache is very Freddie Murcury-like? iI - Perhaps the most far-fetched product of them all is the iI.  It's merely a very elegant, mac-centric model of the letter I that can be used on Seseme Street as a prop.

Tweeter-Totter - Apparently, Apple wants a Twitter-friendly product.  Executives feel that going after elementary school children with a playground toy that has built-in Twitter capabilities will lock in Apple customers for life.  Their idea?  Bringing back the Teeter-Totter and adding a touch screen interface that allows the sending of Tweets.  We imagine: 

Tod_Ler Up

SpArKy Down

Tod_Ler Up

SpArKy Down

Sounds dumb to us, but we're not billionaires either.  [Youngins... don't know what a Teeter Totter is?]

iTablet - We hear this is a pill with wireless internet access which allows the person who took it to get on their iPhone and watch its progression through their body.  Is this Apple's foray into the medical industry?  An Apple a day keeps the doctor away?  (That's marketing genius on our part... feel free to use it Steve)

iRaq - Apple's getting their own country?  Supposedly. Due to booming business, Apple needs more room to build a new headquarters and they want cheap labor.  Apparently, Jobs and Obama got together and decided this might be the best way to handle the whole problem in Iraq.  Apple's going to buy the country and turn it into one big corporate headquarters.

The Al CaPhone - Insiders at Apple inform us that mobsters have been big fans of the iPhone.  Steve, now this is a brilliant product!  The Al CaPhone comes with all the iPhone goodies and a couple other Mob-friendly features like a flip out knife, a built in app that monitors the family's strip clubs and collection of Italian meatball recipes.

iKidney - If you haven't heard, Steve Jobs had a kidney transplant awhile back.  We all know Steve, he can take anything and make it so much better, and in this case, we hear that Apple has come up with a better kidney than that of God's.  It's smaller, sleeker and can handle 8x more "processing" than our original kidney. 

The secret behind the spinning beach ball - Many at Apple have confirmed that the rainbow spinning beach ball that appears whenever you're hard at work is really a complex mind-control tool aimed at getting more gay people to come out to the San Francisco area.  The sources say that the spinning motion of the ball and all the colors speak subconsciously to anyone who's gay and virtually controls their every move.   It's a modern day Pied Piper, but focused on a different kind of flute playing if you know what we mean. ;)

Well, that's all the inside information we have.  We can only wait until the day comes.  If you have any scoops on other Apple announcements, please comment below.