ScoopGods.com - My days at the ScoopGods heaquarters are often filled with boredom.  I typically don't like to admit it to many, but our offices consist of 24 card tables with empty 5-gallon pickle buckets as seats.  Coming in to work at such a depressing environment is the kickoff I get every day.  But on this day, an email sat in my inbox that held an invitation to visit ZippyCart.com's offices to learn all about what they do.

My Tron Outfit Arrives! But this guy delivered it while wearing it!I'm a bit Sherlock Holmesy, so I wanted to get a true, in-depth look at the site and how things worked underneath the hood.  I didn't want to just visit a comfy office. You see, they claim to have a bevy of information that helps really unsavy people find the shopping cart of their dreams. They are like a computer dating service, but your date is an ecommerce hottie ready to go all the way on the first date.  (They didn't say this, but that's how I think.)  

To *really* get good look at the site's capabilities, I ordered a Tron interface kit, which for those of you who don't know, a Tron interface kit will let me go inside the internet. I nearly passed out with excitement when it arrived at my door.  Oddly, the outfit was delivered in person and in fact was actually being worn by the delivery man.  Little did I know that one of zippycart's founders was the guy in the Tron outfit.

"So you want to check out ZippyCart.com, eh," said the still unidentified man? "Well, give me a hug and let's go?"

Now, I thought, "this Tron delivery guy seems huggable," but I don't hug other men unless they are family.  

"Are you crazy," I shot back?

"Oh, I'm sorry.  It's ok, I'm Nick.  One of the founders of ZippyCart.com," he said to my jaw-dropping surprise. "Just reach around my belly and hold on tight."

Awkwardly, I reached around Nick's midsection and he around mine and just like that, I was hugging a grown man in a Tron costume.  He freed one hand and pulled out a USB cable that was connected to some router-looking device on his belt and plugged it into my computer.  He then hit enter on my keyboard and I instantly felt as if I was cuddling with ten tasers.  

When my eyeballs finished rolling around my skull, I realized I was in a world of neon lines and incessant buzzing and beeping.  I looked at Nick and he was smiling and trying not to look at all the raunchy stuff flying around us.  He floated away from me until he and I were flying through the internet just like Lois Lane flewI felt like Lois Lane with Superman as I flew threw the internet! with Superman for the first time.  Remember how they were next to each other, only holding hands?  I felt like Lois.  I was in total awe, except in this case, Nick looked even sillier in his costume than Superman did in his and there was a total lack of spark between us.  

Finally, I gained my composure and told Nick to take me to the zippycart.com servers.  I blinked and wow, we were there.  "Oh yeah, I'm in the internet," I thought to myself. "Distance is not a factor here."

I blinked again, and suddenly Nick said, "Well there you go! That was it."

I thought for a second and I could remember every last detail of the comprehensive server.  It wasn't like he gave me a two-hour tour.  

"Oh yeah. I'm inside a computer.  Everything happens really fast," I reminded myself again.

"Ok, let's go meet the rest of the team,"  said Nick as I felt every inch of my skin beginning to tingle as if I were being poked by an army of sword-wielding attack houseflies. 

"So here we are," said Nick as he and I were now standing at the entrance of the rather nice-looking office space.  

People were buzzing about looking very busy, with the exception of a man standing in the middle of the lounge with a tuba.  Although he was poised to begin a tune at any moment, he was silent and reading through a small booklet about earthworms.

ZippyCart's receptionist says that there are 3 messages waiting.We walked past him and Nick (who was still dressed in Tron) nodded at the receptionist and she nodded back, and then made an odd face, in which Nick responded with an odd face of his own.  She then responded with a new one, and he did yet another!  Wholy moley!  They were communicating in ugly faces!  I had never seen such a thing.  

We continued on and out of nowhere, Nick got super giddy.

"Oh goshy darn!  I have to have you meet Amy!," he screamed as if I had stepped on his big toe.  "She is the other founder and looooovvvveeeeesssss visitors and coupons with typos."

We went through two huge doors that burst open when Nick pushed through.  The room we entered was huge but extremely bare with the exception of small desk that had just one leg.  Four cables at the corner of the desk stretched out nearly 25-feet each way to balance the desk and keep it from falling over.  On the desk was one swival-style iMac.  Sitting at the desk was Amy.  

Amy looked normal.  She had brown hair and I think blue eyes.  What was odd was that she was dressed like one of the characters from the Broadway hit, Cats.  And she was licking her arm when we reached her desk.

"Well hello soldier," Amy said to me.  "How about a Mohawk?"

Just like that, she pounced out of her chair and waved a buzzing electric razor wildly at me as Nick held her back.  She tried getting at me for 43 seconds and then abruptly stopped, winked at me and took a seat back at her desk.  

I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a full-grown man, dressed in a business suite, on a trike, smiling at me.  

"I'm Scott." he said. "Amy does this when she's working on a new analysis of a cart."

I looked back at Amy and noticed that she was taking jelly beans and sticking them individually to a dedicated tooth in her mouth.  She proceeded with this bonky behavior until she finished the top row of her mouth.  She then looked at me and beamed the biggest smile I'd seen in a long time.  It made me feel somewhat warm inside.

Nick turned to me and asked if I minded if he chatted a bit with Amy and Scott.  I stepped back from the desk and took a seat on the only other chair in the room.  It was an odd chair made out of frisbee's but was surprisingly comfortable.  

The three began rattling off quintessential web words like search engine, ecommerce, secure socket layer and many more.  It was an amazing display of jargon, until Amy abruptly slapped Nick and Scott if one full swipe. What had happened?  What did I miss?

"This new cart doesn't have the gumption that I like!" screamed Amy.  "I will NOT rate this a 4.2.  I will not!"

"But Amy, this cart can handle multi-store inventory and it is i18n compliant," shot back Nick.  "It's going up on our site and if you don't like it, get out your roller skates and let's duel."

"Bring it on," responded Amy.

I was delighted.  Here I was witnessing how the ZippyCart team came up with their core content.  The information that made them stand out in the marketplace.  Obviously, this team did not take their work lightly. 

Both Nick and Amy had exited out a door that was across the room from the door that I had entered.  It had a shabby cardboard sign on it that said "Mork & Mindy Need Not Apply."  I couldn't really figure out what that meant, but I didn't think I would get the answer to that today.

Scott triked up to me and asked if it was ok if he spoke in a Howard Cosell-type voice.  I told him it was ok, and seconds later, I knew why he asked me.  The lights went out and a spotlight illuminated Scott. 

A microphone dropped from the ceiling and Scott took it and began announcing what was about to begin.  

"Ladies and Gents! Welcome to the Zippy Zooooonnnnnnneeee!"

A thunderous roar of a crowd came out of the walls.  I was beginning to feel quite spooked.  I was now shaking and I knew tears were making their way to my wide eyes.   The walls were slowly lifting and I could see that an auditorium of crazed fanatics where screaming as if they'd all found out that they'd each won a million dollars.  

I had thought I was in an office, but actually, it was a battle cage, disguised like an office.  It reminded me of the Thunder-dome and I almost expected Tina Turner to appear.

Who did appear was Amy, but she was now dressed in tight leather and nearly every joint in her body was now the base to a extremely sharp spike.  She was chewing on a dead bat and growling in a squeaky pitch as if she were an angry Scoopy Doo.   She had roller skates on and in her hands, she held onto a bag full of popcorn balls.  

Across the dome, Nick entered to hissing and a barrage of insults.  Obviously, this was Amy's crowd.  One toothless man yelled, "Carts Need Gumption" and threw a handful of gummy Lifesavers at Nick... to which the crowd followed with a suitable shower of the fruity softies.   Scott stopped announcing for a bit and rushed around the dome, grabbing handfuls of the treats and shoving them into his mouth.  Soon he was full, and the event continued.  

Nick was dressed more like a wizard.  He had the long, pointed hat full of stars and wore a dark blue robe-like A police artist's rendition of how Nick was dressed. (per my elaborate description)garment.  He had a bag of what looked like Twin-Bing candy bars and he too was wearing roller skates.  

Although initially spooked to the point of bladder control challenges, I was now getting super pumped!  This was going to be awesome.  

But just as I was ready to see battle, a man far up in the rafters yelled, "Who art though thy stranger in thy dome?  A strangeling shall not behold thy bout of our mighty duo!"

The crowd scowled at me and hissed and four very large men dressed in black appeared and started bumping their bellies against me, forcefully nudging me toward the exit. 

"Leave, leave, leave," is all I could hear the crowd scream as I left the dome.  Eventually, I was outside the corporate entrance, looking in, trying to ascertain what had just happened.  

A sweet little girl dressed like a marsh mellow came walking out of the entrance and presented me with an envelope.  I quickly opened it, and sighed.  My day at ZippyCart was over.  

The enclosed card said, "It was a pleasure meeting you today.  If we ever see you around here again, we WILL duct-tape you to our copy machine and leave you there for at least 3 hours.  Good Day!"

ScoopGods.com - Playtex has always aimed to solve the endless battle between breasts, gravity and cocks. And now, they are wowwing the brazzier industry with a new bra that takes the danger and clumsiness out of titty-fucking. 

The Snug Jug Tug Bra From PlaytexThe new bra, amply named the Snug Jug Tug, is the first of its kind to come with a compartment for the male penis.  Better yet, the compartment is inflatable and can be prepped for action in a mere 3 pumps which can be performed via the attached hand pump. 

"We've constantly heard from women looking for something better," said Kevin Dunn, Playtex's head of product development. "The biggest gripe was how tiring it was holding the breasts together to achieve optimism friction for orgasm. This new bra works great.  I know first hand! Ask my secretary."

The bra, which retails for $49.99, comes in a variety of colors and sizes.  The company also has some high-tech add-ons coming such as a miniature iPod monitor which will allow women to be entertained as they lay waiting for their loved one to finish.  Playtex also plans to release a "sneeze" guard add-on to prevent unwanted fluids from reaching the woman's facial area. 

"Up until the Snug Jug Tug, my boyfriend's oddly shaped penis was constantly flailing over, under and around my supple breasts," said bra user, Brenda Bolhicken.  "It was frustrating for both of us.  Frankly, it was like his dick was a fish out of water.  But with this new bra, it's convenient for both of us to enjoy.

As can be suspected, several church leaders condemned the product and plan to use their copious amounts of idle time writing sadly-written letters to the company's customer service department.

"A female's breasts are for one reason and one reason only," said Anthony O'Connell, Palm Beach FL emeritus and former bishop, as he sat watching a boys little league baseball game.  "To provide nutrients to little, wittle babies."

"Oh, I disagree Father," said Al Dilfin, who was sitting next to O'Connell. "As you know, when I used to confessAl Dilfin, an average guy, likes the new bra.  my sins to you, I always talked about pounding jugs.  That's all I ever think about.  Bam, Bam, Bam.  I think that this product, this new bra, is going to help me with my fetish."

"Oh, Al, you musn't let the devil over take your desires," interjected O'Connell.  "Don't succumb to him.  I think you and I better talk more about this."

"You know father, you make me mad," retaliated Dilfin. "I think your non-stop fondling back in the 60's pretty much screwed me up!  So, if I want to pump breasts, I'm going to."

"Shut up you! We had a deal!," said O'Connell, who was now trembling with anger. "Five thousand dollars a month if you keep it to yourself."

O'Connell abruptly stopped talking and did as our reporter to leave him alone.  

In summary, we think a lot of women are going to be much more eager to titty-fuck thanks to Playtex.  

ScoopGods.com - In an effort to ease American's concern about safety for animal trainers and Toyota customers, Toyota Motor Company offered a helping hand to the nation's theme parks.  The move, however, has riled up nearly everyone in the world.

"Let us take all of the scrumptious, delicious, oily and very dangerous killer whales off your hands," said Toyota CEO, Akio Toyoda. "We have devised a plan that will improve safety for many Americans."

Although the Japanese claim the move is authentic, it is seen as a public relations stunt by many car industry insiders. 

"Toyota is trying to cover their ass and redirect America's fears," said Scott R. Miller, a writer for AutoTrend magazine.  "They want us to miss the fact that these Toyota death machines are merely soldiers of Japan's clandestine plan to take over the United States."

Toyota warns that this can be a typical result of taking a drive in a PriusToyota has had recent issues with safety in many of their top models.  In many cases, newer model cars have done a "drunken Herbie" and taken off by themselves, crashing into trees, other cars, poles, picnic tables, a plastic bucket of dirt, a wall, a bag of leaves and many other objects.  As Miller expressed, he believes that the issues are actually a result of a Japanese government conspiracy.

But Toyota executives are adamant that the move is to help Americans.  In a memo sent to ScoopGods headquarters, it was revealed that Toyota plans to use the killer whales in scientific research.  The company has many advanced concept cars that utilize whale oil for a fuel source and various whale blubber-based composites in safety components. 

"We take killer whales away," continued Toyoda.  "You are not safe if they stay here.  They will swim the oceans, rivers and seas, looking for Americans to kill."

Currently, many leaders of ocean theme parks are considering new options and the viability of saying Seaworld has begun work on testing a new inflatable killer whale interactive puppet show.good-bye to real-life killer whale shows.  One leading plan is to replace the live killer whales with inflatable toy versions and turning the shows into more of a puppet-like event. 

"We're prepared to make some changes, but we haven't decided on Toyota's plan yet," said SeaWorld CEO, Carlos Brito. "It's either the Toyota plan and puppetry or we're going to go with really, really fat people painted like killer whales.  They won't be able to do the same tricks, but they'll be able to do skits and tell jokes."

Brito has indicated that Kevin Smith (the director of Clerks, Mallrats, etc.) is interested in being the headlining whale. 

"We've got some choices. Some really nice choices," declared Brito.

ScoopGods.com - The organic movement has been keeping the rich and popular feeling good about themselves lately and now nearly everywhere you go, there's an organic choice for you.  From salmon to coffee, thousands of perishables are being grown, raised and prepared the organic way. The popularity of the movement has spurred quite a few new food producers who claim they're organic. A few of them are becoming quite successful and they seem to be ok with being labeled extreme organic. 

Baseball Bat Beef President, Rhine Sandburg, gives a demonstration on how their beef is processed.One small beef producer is leading all others when it comes to extreme organic techniques.  Baseball Bat Beef, Inc. based in Sioux City, Iowa has been selling their specially processed meat since early last year and it's been a big "hit" among baseball players and their loyal fans.   What's so special about Baseball Bat Beef?  It's simple, they process their beef by using baseball bats.  

"There's nothing like beef from cattle that has been beaten to death by baseball bats," says company founder, Rhine Sanburg.  "It's juicy, succulent and obviously quite tender.  When a cow dies by bat, some magical chemical is released and the muscles just soak it right up creating some very tasty meat."

Baseball Bat Beef isn't the only company going gang busters in the market.  On the other end of the processing spectrum is Meaty Spa, Inc.  The outfit is based in St. Paul, MN and boasts that their specialized treatment of poultry produces the yummiest chicken and turkey in the world.

"All of our birds grow up living a life of luxury," says company President, Alice Wonkerling. "They are pamperedA Meaty Spa resident and her dedicated servant. with body wraps, soothing daily massages, feather waxing, beak polishing, caring hugs and continual petting.  Our birds are always in the company of a dedicated servant who constantly keeps them feeling great. When our birds die, they are in a blissful state because we kill them as they're copulating."

Despite both company's success, you can bet that some group of assholes doesn't like it.  Oh, and what just came up in our google search?  A list of assmatics!

Organic is Not Extreme is a group of young mothers headquartered in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio and they have been busy fighting against extreme organic processors since their husbands stopped paying attention to them. 

"We hate these extreme organic companies," declared Mindy Johnson, a mother of an annoying little 3-year old boy who constantly touches his privates.  "They glamorize the killing of innocent animals and they make me sad.  And Baseball Bat Beef is just horrible..."

"Mommy. Mommy! Mom! MOM!" barged in Brady Johnson. "I want a corn dog now."

"Not now Brady," answered Ms. Johnson. "So anyway, getting back to things... killing animals for meat is wrong and using a baseball bat is even more bad.  And then this Meaty Spa.  Those birds are treated better than I am.  These companies are eroding our society."

But both owners of seem to be quite happy with their companies. 

"Hey, we're chasing the American dream of finding a need and filling it," said Sandburg. "Fortunately, we have many determined illegal aliens who love baseball and beef!"